“I can’t go on living this way
I can’t go back the way I came
Chained to this fear
That I will never find my way
to heal my soul . . .”~Evanescence (“My Heart is Broken”)
A spectacular thunderstorm just rolled into Louisville, and on the eve of another birthday, it feels like an early gift. I sat in the safety of my garage and took in all of the wonderful sensory experiences provided by the rain, thunder, lightning, and dropping temperatures, surrounded only by my thoughts and my music. The thunder and lightning provided a magical and mystical feast for the eyes and ears that outdid any fireworks display, as nature always can conjure up sights and sounds to rival and surpass anything created by humans. As I took it all in, I began to reflect on this past year and to look ahead to the new year that begins for me at midnight.
As mentioned in a previous post, “2012, Part II”, New Year’s Day is my favorite holiday of all, with the day I burst into this world being a close second, even though it is not a recognized holiday. . . yet. New Year’s Day is a special time when the entire world collectively begins again, but my birthday is more intimate, as I feel completely on my own in bidding farewell to another year and ushering in a new one. That is both comforting and somewhat disconcerting to me, and this year, I am more aware of the passing of time than any other moment in my life, as so very much has changed since last August 17, and I have so many more plans to make, goals to reach, and dreams to make come true. These are the things that I carry close to my heart and that make my baby soul feel alive, and they are far more personal than the resolutions I earnestly make every December 31.
I remember thinking when I turned 21 years old that after reaching this milestone that there was really nothing left to look forward to as far as getting older, as I could now do everything I wanted to do legally. Ah, the blissful ignorance of youth, how I miss it sometimes. While I had indeed reached and passed what I thought were the most important milestones for me to achieve, such as getting my driver’s license, registering to vote, being of legal age to buy and consume alcohol without the aid of a fake i.d. (Thanks, Eileen!), and being a legal adult, I had no way of knowing that those milestones, while worth celebrating, were hardly the end of a journey, as they were merely baby steps on a path that never really ends as long as I am still alive. No, reaching those milestones required very little effort, if any, on my part, and they pale in comparison with such milestones that are not tied to a specific age, such as getting married and then divorced, going through infertility treatment and being blessed with two extraordinary daughters, dealing with physical and mental health diagnoses and treatments, making and losing special friendships, changing jobs, and a plethora of other unforeseen milestones that I was not always prepared for or necessarily wanted.
So, I sit here tonight reflecting on the year that is almost over for me and am trying to wrap my brain around what possibly awaits me. It is said that with age comes wisdom, so, I am hoping that this is the year that I finally am both older and wiser, as opposed to simply older. Unlike on New Year’s Eve, when I construct a carefully laid out plan for what I intend to do to make the new year amazing, I find myself sitting here with a very clear vision of how I want my life to look and who I want in it without a concrete plan of how to make those visions a reality. Normally, this uncertainty causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety, and my worries and insecurities go into overdrive. At this moment, though, I am listening to my intuition and hearing the voices of those loved ones who are with me every moment of every day and who so lovingly protect and guide me, and I know without a doubt that I simply must keep going forward, even if I don’t have know how I am going to get where I am going. I just know that I am headed in the right direction toward the life I am meant to live and am going to focus on enjoying the journey, instead of worrying when and how it will end. Perhaps, not having a plan, but having dreams and the faith, love, and courage to go after them, no matter how impossible they may seem to myself and/or anyone else, is the best plan of all.
As I end this year and this post, I find it so very fitting that U2’s song, “Running to Stand Still”, is providing the background music right now. This particular song has resonated with me on so many levels over the years, especially during this last one, and I think that it makes a mighty fine theme for the upcoming year. So, when I prepare to blow out the candles on my birthday cake, I will run to stand still, and make a solemn wish. I’d share what that wish is, but superstition says that if you tell what your wish is, then, it will not come true, and I am not taking any chances. I promise, though, when that wish comes true, I will tell you, as I believe that it can and will come true when the time is right. It will be worth the wait indeed.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story