“Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for-I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times.”-Kate L. Bosher
I do not know who Kate L. Bosher is, but I do know that her quote says what I have not been able to articulate this holiday season. So, Kate L. Bosher, I thank you. In fact, it is so simply and beautifully stated that I find it difficult to expound on it at this time. Maybe, I don’t need to say anything else, as some people will relate to this quote just as I do and understand what I am struggling to say, and those who don’t understand will feel the need to convince the rest of us to get into the Christmas spirit, which only adds to the sense of loneliness.
It was only last year that I admitted that I do not enjoy the holidays, and some people assumed that it was because I recently was divorced and dealing with anxiety and depression. The truth be told, I don’t recall when this dislike began, but I do have one distinct memory from childhood that still is fresh in mind. I was either nine or ten years old, and I remember crouching in the darkness next to the large stereo console in our family room, hidden from view, on Christmas Eve and crying. I don’t know what event actually triggered the tears, but I do remember the feelings of overwhelming sadness and loneliness that were exacerbated by the fact that they were occurring during what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. While I no longer am a little girl hiding after dinner on Christmas Eve, I still find myself feeling lonely even in the midst of the hustle and bustle and festivities of the holidays, only now there is nowhere to hide.
So, I put on a happy face and go through the motions to make the holidays merry and bright for my daughters, which is an eerie reminder of how I used to live my life in general, not just during the holidays. I find small slivers of the Christmas spirit in things like the guys at the day shelter for homeless men singing “Silent Night” in unison and my daughters’ excitement at giving and receiving gifts, and I earnestly wish peace, love, and joy for everyone, myself included, even if I am not sure how to give and receive such priceless gifts. I really do want to embrace the holidays, but I just don’t know how to do so. It is my Christmas wish that I find what I am looking for and/or that it finds me and that this elusive “it” extends its stay long after the Christmas decorations have been taken down and boxed up. I prefer a Christmas spirit that lasts year round, as opposed to being forced out of the box for a few weeks every December.
So, to those all of those who feel like there’s no room at the inn for them or like they are living on the island of misfit toys, take heart in knowing that the new year is around the corner, and with it comes unlimited possibilities. In the meantime, I wish you a Christmas where all your troubles may be out of sight.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story