As the year comes to an end, I am mourning the end of a friendship that has helped to see me through the ups and downs of the past couple years. Even though the end came abruptly, it has been coming for some time actually, but like I tend to do with things that are painful, I chose to ignore the warning signs for as long as I could and was loyal and trusting to a fault. My Pen Pal and I can agree to disagree as to why our friendship ended and wherein lies the blame, but the bottom line is that I made a tough decision that has resulted in a lot of pain for me, as I miss this person being part of my life and second guess myself and my decision. Doing the right thing is not always easy indeed, and reaping the benefits from a good decision is not always readily seen or felt.
So, I am left with a bittersweet mixture of happy and sad memories, painful answers and unanswered questions, replays of what I did right and what I did wrong, visions of the happy life that my Pen Pal now has without me in it, and a familiar blend of anxiety and depression. Even though I have friends and family to support me, I still feel very much alone without my ‘go to’ person. I have learned a lot of lessons over the past two years, but the most painful lesson that I continue to struggle with is that friends do leave and that life stops for no-one. I have yet to learn how to rebound so easily and happily as others appear to do when we part ways, and I also have yet to learn how to not sink into an abyss of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-pity with every ‘good-bye’. I am trying, but I am struggling, which is embarrassing, as it shows how I allow others to influence and define my own self-worth more than I care to admit. Confession is good for the soul,though, so,there you have it. There is most certainly more work for me to do on my own in the new year.
It is my hope and prayer that this painful ending leads to a new beginning of some sort, and it also is my hope and prayer that I can get through this latest loss with grace, strength, and courage. It’s easier for me to believe in others than it is to believe in myself, but I am working on changing that and embracing the opportunities that await me. I have sensed that 2013 is going to be absolutely amazing, and as I grieve and heal, I am hoping that this time next year finds me celebrating personal and professional success and being truly happy on my own. Here’s to more sweet than sorrow!
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story