New Year’s Eve

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While it seems from perusing Facebook postings and watching t.v. shows and commercials that the entire world is celebrating New Year’s Eve at a lavish party, at home with family and friends, or some other festive gathering, I find myself home alone on this last night of the year.  That may sound rather sad and pathetic, and there are tinges of both actually, but overall, I take solace in the peace and quiet, as I reflect on 2012 and prepare for 2013.  Normally, I am counting down the hours until the new year arrives, but this year, I find myself not wanting the new year to arrive so quickly.  This lack of enthusiasm is not because 2012 has been so wonderful that I don’t want to see it end, and quite honestly, my mixed emotions have caught me off-guard and left me somewhat anxious and melancholy, along with hopeful and excited.  These make for odd companions indeed, and I am trying to make peace with them. 

Although I am a very outgoing person, I do crave solitude and never have been much of a party goer on New Year’s Eve, so, I have enjoyed time alone today to finish cleaning and reorganizing, thanking loved ones for all they have done for me during 2012, and creating my first ever vision board.  I took what may or may not be my last drive of 2012 down River Road earlier, and it was during that drive, as I listened to music and reminisced about the past year, that some of these anxious and sad feelings crept quietly into my heart and thoughts.  My baby soul began to feel restless, as I recalled goals that were not reached, dreams that remained merely that, and relationships that ended, and suddenly, being alone morphed into loneliness.  There is something about not sharing a kiss with someone you love and who loves you right back at midnight to end and begin the year on a sweet note that always leaves me wistful, and this year is no different.  Perhaps, next year will be different, though.

While this New Year’s Eve has been bittersweet so far, it is my goal to leave the bitter behind in 2012 and take the sweet with me into 2013.  In way, being by myself tonight is part of the necessary healing that needs to take place for me to make 2013 a better year, as I need to experience the pain, instead of avoid it or numb it, in order, to learn the lessons it offers to me and to move forward stronger and wiser.  As my gracious friend, Laura, reminded me recently, sometimes, things fall apart, so, better things can come together.  So, I will trade a less than festive New Year’s Eve for a better new year any day or night, as the case may be.

The other thought that just came to me now is that I feel unprepared for 2013 and feel a sense of urgency to get it “right”.  It is almost as if that if my life is not perfect by midnight, which it most certainly will not be, then it will not be perfect in the new year.  That said, I know good and well that there is no such thing as perfect and that perfection is not required to end or start a year, and these irrational thoughts serve as a reminder that such absolute thinking has sabotaged my goals and dreams in the past, as when things do not go perfectly, I sometimes give up, thinking that I have blown my chance.  You think I would know by now that every moment is a chance to start over and to do better, and I do know that actually, but during anxious moments like now, reason takes a backseat to fear.  Thankfully, I am invoking both of my themes for 2013, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this” and “And though she be but little, she is fierce”, to get me through these waning hours of 2012.  I also think another drive down River Road may be the best way to usher the old year out and to ring in the new year.

When midnight arrives, I know that I will shed both happy and sad tears, as I do every December 31, and I know that tomorrow brings with it a new day, a new month, and a new year, not just for me, obviously, but for everyone around the world.  The thought that we all collectively are given this fresh start to do with it what we wish excites, inspires, motivates, and cheers me, and I cannot wait to see what we all can do to make our respective lives and the lives of others all the better in 2013 and beyond.  Be safe this evening wherever you may be, and make tomorrow and the next 364 days absolutely amazing!

That’s another story . . .

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