Earlier this afternoon, when I returned home from another long drive to clear my mind, I found that the worrisome thoughts that I left along the side of River Road were quickly replaced by new ones. These new thoughts are not actually new ones, as they have been with me for as long as I can remember, but it has been awhile since they have resurfaced. This past week has left me feeling exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, and some old insecurities have taken advantage of my vulnerable state to re-emerge for a bit.
During an e-mail exchange this afternoon with my special friend, I confided that I always have been, and continue to be, very uncomfortable and insecure when it comes to my physical appearance, and this admission opened up the flood gates for even more painful thoughts and feelings. Most days, I do not even think about my appearance, other than to make sure that I am showered and dressed appropriately, and my entire “beauty” routine takes less than 10 minutes for both hair and make up. I do work out, but that is more for my sanity and health than it is for vanity. Overall, I would describe myself as rather ordinary, but presentable, but for some reason, today has me feeling very much like an ugly duckling with swan envy.
It is embarrassing to admit such a thing, as my family focused on education, wit, athletics, and career, not something as frivolous as beauty. That said, I find myself wishing that I were beautiful both on the inside and on the outside and wanting to be thought of as the “pretty girl”, rather than as the funny girl or the punch line to a joke, especially when the joke is about my appearance. I know that I need to see myself this way before anyone else can or will, but I am not sure how to do that at the moment, as all I can see is my perfectly flawed self. Most days, what is reflected back to me in the mirror and by others is good enough, but today, it fell short. I am hoping that some “beauty” sleep will make it good enough again, so, that I can see this elusive beauty in myself, just as I see it in others.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story