Flaws and All


Earlier this afternoon, when I returned home from another long drive to clear my mind, I found that the worrisome thoughts that I left along the side of River Road were quickly replaced by new ones.  These new thoughts are not actually new ones, as they have been with me for as long as I can remember, but it has been awhile since they have resurfaced.  This past week has left me feeling exhausted physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, and some old insecurities have taken advantage of my vulnerable state to re-emerge for a bit.

During an e-mail exchange this afternoon with my special friend, I confided that I always have been, and continue to be, very uncomfortable and insecure when it comes to my physical appearance, and this admission opened up the flood gates for even more painful thoughts and feelings.  Most days, I do not even think about my appearance, other than to make sure that I am showered and dressed appropriately, and my entire “beauty” routine takes less than 10 minutes for both hair and make up.  I do work out, but that is more for my sanity and health than it is for vanity.  Overall, I would describe myself as rather ordinary, but presentable, but for some reason, today has me feeling very much like an ugly duckling with swan envy.

It is embarrassing to admit such a thing, as my family focused on education, wit, athletics, and career, not something as frivolous as beauty.  That said, I find myself wishing that I were beautiful both on the inside and on the outside and wanting to be thought of as the “pretty girl”, rather than as the funny girl or the punch line to a joke, especially when the joke is about my appearance.  I know that I need to see myself this way before anyone else can or will, but I am not sure how to do that at the moment, as all I can see is my perfectly flawed self.  Most days, what is reflected back to me in the mirror and by others is good enough, but today, it fell short.  I am hoping that some “beauty” sleep will make it good enough again, so, that I can see this elusive beauty in myself, just as I see it in others.

That’s another story . . .

Categories: That's Another Story

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8 replies

  1. My family did not focus on beauty either, but that in itself actually provided me with the strength to face being myself and not what others, the media etc expected me to be as a woman.
    I know you already know this, but your “perfectly flawed self” is exactly what makes you beautiful inside and out. Your authenticity that I see in you is irreplaceable and so many women struggle with simply doing the work to turn challenges into ways to grow and be better versions of themselves every day. I see you, in every one of your posts, (sometimes reading between the lines)striving to work through, recognize and move forward and become better than you were yesterday. Or the day before. Further your commitment to kindness is amazing in itself!

    It takes me 15 minutes to get out of the house. My usual attire is yoga pants, a tank top and a baseball hat. And I rarely wear any make-up. Maybe I am seen by others as “average”, but does wearing making up and dolling myself up make me a “pretty girl’? I don’t believe it. I believe that being who I am, being confident with who I am, being kind to others, my desire to help others, all thing things that define me, is what makes me a “pretty girl”. Again, I know you know all this, but I hope reminding you of all the things that make you beautiful and most importantly to love and believe in who you are. That person in the mirror staring back at you is a-may-zing and beautiful BOSS, do not ever forget that! ❤

    Sorry for the long comment, I hope something I said was helpful ❤

    • No need to apologize at all, as I cannot begin to thank you enough for taking the time to compose such a truly thoughtful and powerful response. You articulated so very well many of the same thoughts that I have about being real and authentic, so, maybe, instead of waiting for society or those close to me in my life to see me as the “pretty girl”, I need to continue to do the things that make me feel genuine and “pretty”, like trail running, writing, being vulnerable, etc. Thanks for helping me see what I often am blind to, and for reminding me that I am not alone. Here’s to being the BOSS!!!

  2. Same as me. Same as me. I too fly out the door with a throw-it-all-together-in-ten-minutes grooming session. My family ingrained in me that it was values that held the true beauty in someone, but I never ever really believed in that. So I understand what you mean when you say you feel insecure in how you look.

    At least you have been brave enough to put your photo on wordpress – all I have managed so far is flowers 🙂

    Here is to the celebration to both of us of our inside true beauty 🙂

  3. Hi again. I thought you might like a look at this website that I came across today! Inspiring 🙂

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