Thankfully, today seems to be a good day, but the same could not be said for yesterday. It was a bad day, or rather it was a bad day that ended on a better note than it began. It was one of those days when I woke up and was able to shake the sleep from my eyes, but I could not shake the anxious and depressed feelings that swirled around me like a tornado. I am not quite sure where these feelings came from, but I was quite sure of how they made me feel, immensely alone and out of control.
As I made my way through the day, these negative feelings multiplied, and I could not contain them. I kept thinking of what my dear friend and mentor, Trude, says to me, and that is, “All is well”, even when I do not feel well. Yesterday, though, I simply did not believe that all was well, and I gave in to the panic that ensues when anxiety and depression creep back into my world and make themselves at home in my mind. My negative thoughts morphed into “facts”, and I lost all perspective. My bad day quickly became my bad life.
I could not get out of my head, and the negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs felt like quicksand, pulling me under and suffocating my hopes, dreams, and goals. My light was waning. So, what’s a girl wallowing in self-pity and negativity to do?! I sought out my go to person and special friend, who patiently listened and offered sage advice, and I took time to quiet myself under a full moon last night to regroup. During that time of reflection, I came to a number of random conclusions:
- While I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past, my bad days are the exception, not the rule, and a bad day does not mean that I am doomed to being cast back into the darkness that snuffed out my light. Everyone has bad days, and I am not immune to them. They are part of the ebb and flow of life, not a tsunami that will destroy me.
- Just because I cast myself in a less than positive light on such days does not mean that the rest of the world sees me the same way or that the people I love and care about the most share these negative perceptions of me and will abandon me. I need to trust that they will be there for me, for better or worse, and if they choose not to be, then they are not the people I need in my life any way.
- Showing my vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness, as it takes greater courage to let others see me for who I am, rather than hide behind a smile that belies the internal pain I harbor sometimes.
- Even when I don’t employ them, I have all of the coping abilities I need to survive and thrive, and I am enough, as is, flaws and all.
- Change and uncertainty always will be a part of my life, and my perception of them determines whether they will be motivators and teachers or whether they will be my undoing.
- I need to trust myself, others, and life in general, and I need to remember something else that Trude has shared with me, “Chaos precedes great change”, and believe that the changes will be for my greater good.
As I shared my thoughts and feelings with my special friend late into the night and the wee hours of the morning, he summed it up by simply, yet brilliantly, saying, “You had a bad day, that’s it.” I had a bad day indeed, but that was yesterday. Today is a good day.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story