My absence from the blogosphere during this past week was unintended, but much-needed. I did not intend to fall silent, but I did intend to do what needed to be done to be present in my life in a genuine, authentic, and engaged way. I did not set out with a definitive plan, as I decided to trust in my God, myself, and all of my life’s lessons and experiences that have led me to this point in my life to guide me. It was a wise decision.
It is difficult to articulate what transpired over this past week. The difficulty is not because the week itself was particularly challenging, but rather the difficulty lies in my fear that I will not be able to put into words what I felt, thought, and did without it sounding trite or clichéd. As I set out to write this, those concerns still linger, but I will do what I always do when I struggle with putting my experiences into words, write from the heart and let the chips fall where they may.
A week ago today, as I surveyed the week ahead, I did so with trepidation. I feared that this would be an emotionally difficult week because of the grief of ending a close relationship and all of the emotional baggage that comes with it. It is baggage that I have packed, repacked, and carried time and time again, but the thought of doing so one more time was overwhelming. So, I decided not to do it.
It sounds simple, and it some ways, it really was, and in other ways, it really was not. I decided to honor my grief without succumbing to the sorrow, as there is a difference. As I became acutely aware of my thoughts and how they impacted my actions and my feelings, I met each negative thought with kindness, without accepting it or allowing it to take root and spread like wild fire through my mind. This practice is akin to being polite to a stranger, but not inviting the stranger into your home to live with you. As quickly as I acknowledged the negativity, I gently ushered it out, as there was no purpose in holding onto to it. It had said its piece, and letting it go helped me find my own sense of peace.
As the week progressed, so, did I. The more I actively and consciously paid attention to the thoughts that swirl around in my head at any given moment, the better I felt. The smile I often hide behind began to feel real once again. The light that I so identify with was returning, and I didn’t want to let it go. I no longer wanted the darkness of the anxiety and depression that has accompanied me on some of life’s journeys to be my traveling companions on this next trip. There were moments along the way when the negative thoughts fought back valiantly, and I would become frustrated when these thoughts did not retreat readily, but my desire to be happy, whole, and healthy was greater than the pain that tried to lure me back into the shadows of my mind and heart. This time, I would not go quietly.
So, the week I dreaded ended up being one that I embraced actually. After stopping to ask for, then follow, the “directions” to healing my heart from grief and negativity and having the opportunity to do so, it is now time to move on to better, brighter days, all the while being grateful for the day at hand.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story