One thing that I have noticed about succumbing to even a minor illness is that when germs overtake my body, a mish mash of thoughts and feelings launch an all out assault on my mind, heart, and baby soul. When my defenses are down, thoughts of the past, present, and future and all that is associated with them are gang up on me. As I rest in solitude, kept company by said thoughts and feelings, hot tea, reading material in the form of neglected books and magazines, and mindless television, I decided to spread out the puzzle pieces that are in the forefront of my mind.
When my life imploded four years ago, the debris littered my emotional landscape in unrecognizable pieces, and I went into survival mode. I switched to autopilot, as I navigated my way through divorce proceedings, changing personal relationships, career decisions, financial stressors, and everything else that came with the implosion, all the while trying to do my best to take of myself and my family. I recall that period of time in both vivid detail and in a haze of confusion, and it changed nearly every aspect of my life.
Since that initial implosion, my life has had even more triumphs and challenges, and I continue to figure out how to live a life of thriving, not just one of surviving. I have gone from not recognizing my present life and having no future vision to being here in the present day and having dreams and goals, both big and small, for my future. I very much appreciate being where I am today, but I am growing impatient with myself. With that impatience comes the familiar feelings of anxiety and doubt. These are the nagging questions that shatter the silence of my mind with greater frequency and intensity:
- How do I tie together my passions for writing/blogging, teaching/training, and helping others with creating a living for myself and my loved ones?
- Now that the puzzle pieces of my life are before me, what steps do I need to take to put them together?
- What if the pieces don’t fit together or there is a piece missing, never to be found?
- How much time do I allow to bring my vision for my life to fruition? What if one piece, or all the pieces for that matter, remains only a dream, instead of a reality? When should I give up, let go, and move on?
- How do I go trusting someone else with my dreams and goals enough to ask for assistance in bringing them to life?
- What can I do to stay present and positive, while taking steps toward my future?
This is a mere sampling of what tends to traipse through my mind on any given day lately, even more so when I am under the weather and overwhelmed. Some days, I just want to quit, but that’s not an option, as I have nothing to go back to, in the most positive sense possible. I have more questions than answers right now, but I have to believe that the solutions and answers are within my reach, as long as I keep reaching. So, I will keep putting those puzzle pieces together to create a life as good, or even better than grander, than I have dared to imagine. A girl can dream, can’t she?!
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story