Fear of the Known and Unknown

C.S. Lews Quote About Courage

Photo Credit: http://www.feedly.com

It is said that knowledge is power, and I used to believe that whole-heartedly.  Then, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  That knowledge terrifies me.  Just when I felt like I had made a tentative truce with that fact, the fear came raging back, as I began to educate myself about the disease and treatment options.  Knowledge is a power that has paralyzed me.

As I waded through the information that the surgeon handed me in a rather nondescript folder, I soon found myself faced with vivid descriptions of what I now know and what awaits me in the near future.  The words and images it contained ignited a firestorm of fear within me, and a torrent of tears and sobs consumed me.  Logically, I understand that I need to educate myself, but honestly, I don’t want to be a student of this disease.  Ignorance is truly bliss.

Right now, my body and mind feel like they are in an emotional vise.  I am both angry and immensely sad that my daughters now worry that I am going to die and that my family and friends, who have seen me through infertility, divorce, and depression and anxiety, now have to contend with this latest challenge of mine.  I don’t want to be a burden or a source of worry for anyone, as they have been through too much with me already.

Selfishly, I don’t want to face yet another challenge, as I don’t want to be strong or courageous for myself or anyone else for that matter.  I’m just an ordinary girl from Kentucky, and I crave a quiet, simple life that doesn’t include breast cancer, drugs I cannot pronounce, procedures that sound barbaric, and dreadful sounding side effects, especially since there are no guarantees that it will eradicate the cancer and/or prevent it from making a reappearance in the future.  I am more than ready to revoke my membership in this club, as it really sucks so far.

I don’t want this disease to define me or change me in a negative way, but I fear that it is already.  I wonder if I will recover physically and emotionally, and I wonder if my daughters and other loved ones will get through this in one piece.  I wonder who will stick around and who will leave, and I wonder if any guy will ever be able to see past the newest layer of physical and emotional scars to love the person underneath them.  I wonder if I will be able to keep my home, my job, and some semblance of my current life through the physical, emotional, and financial demands of fighting for my life, and I wonder if the dreams of my childhood will ever become the realities of my adulthood.  I wonder what life after cancer will look like, and I hope and pray that I get to find out for myself very soon.

That’s another story. . .



Categories: That's Another Story

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14 replies

  1. Oh, Kristi Jo–that is just totally unfair, wrong, beastly… Has anyone connected you with support-type groups? You need to hear stories of triumph and feel arms of support…

  2. You will have days like this….and then you will dry your tears, straighten your shoulders, and start the fight again. Praying for you….

  3. “I wonder if any guy will see past the scars” … That may just be the thing that starts his love, seeing beauty through struggle. Don’t second guess yourself or decide what people think in advance, they will surprise you.

  4. I believe no one knows another’s heart, mind or body. But the goal of being human, humanity, is a connection with others. You connect with so many people on so many levels, you are truly loved. Don’t ever forget there are so many thinking of you all the time and loving you and your heart and mind and body. We will never really know you, but we love you just the same. I personally love your warrior, but more importantly I love your soft. The perfect turtle if you will. Feel everything you want and need to feel and then move forward with all the love that surrounds you. All the best. K

    • Kelly, what a truly beautiful message, and I cannot thank you enough for it! You are dear to me, and friends like you are the ones who are going to help me triumph over this latest challenge. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I love you much!

  5. You have every right to grieve, cry, worry and pout. But you will fight like a girl because you are strong and you are worthy and you can do this. Your beautiful soul will always shine through everything you do and the right man see that! Your journey is what makes you so special. Keep the faith!!

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