It is said that you should not grocery shop while you are hungry, lest you buy food you don’t really need or really shouldn’t eat. I am guessing that the same goes for not blogging when you can’t sleep and are feeling a bit emotional, lest you write something you really shouldn’t share. There is something about emotions coming to light in the dead of night that amplifies the intensity of these feelings indeed. Perhaps, they should not be shared, but perhaps, they should.
As 2017 comes to a close, I find myself in a much more reflective mood than usual, even more so than my typical end-of-the-year musings. What is not usual is how I am feeling. Sad. Scared. Doubtful.
While I am no stranger to such feelings, it feels very strange to experience these feelings going into a new year. Normally, I embark on a new year filled with joyful anticipation, hope, and optimism, and I believe that anything and everything is possible. Not this year, though. Especially not this year.
I will remember 2017 as the year of change. Unexpected change, at that. Some of the changes were positive, some were not, and the verdict is still out on some of the others. The changes occurred in nearly every area of my life, and I felt as if my life ran me in 2017, instead of me running my life. Tonight, I feel like I have been run over by 2017.
The stillness that I have felt lately gave way to sadness and was soon joined by fear and doubt. While I am glad to be putting this year behind me, I am starting to question what is ahead of me in 2018. Suddenly, I thought about how my high hopes and plans for this past year had not materialized, and I felt a sense of sadness and failure that hurt my heart and my pride. Then, I began to feel foolish for daring to set new goals and intentions for 2018, because I felt like I was setting myself up for failure. Again.
I am fully aware that I have much to be grateful for already and that past failures and disappointments do not mean that history will necessarily repeat itself. I just know that I want more out of life, and for my life, and the prospect of living another year of unfulfilled dreams and merely going through the motions is truly heartbreaking.
I am sure that in the light of day, after a good night’s sleep, that the sadness, doubt, and fear will give way to the feelings of hope and optimism that I crave. I will remind myself of the lessons and blessings of this past year and focus on the people and practices I have in place to help me to make some significant positive changes in 2018 and beyond. I will give it another try, because I cannot afford not to do so. For now, though, I just need to shed some more tears and let go of the year of change that changed me in the process.
That’s another story. . .
Categories: That's Another Story