Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

2015 has sucked.  Just in case you were wondering or had any doubt. It has been a year marked by numerous losses and serious illnesses among my family and friends.  Just yesterday, a friend’s father entered into hospice care and some former colleagues lost their baby during delivery, and today, my dear friend underwent her umpteenth round of treatment in the fight for her life against cancer. On a lesser, yet still significant, note, my personal and professional lives have been touched by various kinds of losses, as well, and I barely recognize my life any more.

I have tried to keep everything in a positive perspective and have faith in myself, others, and the universe around us, and I have tried to keep the emotional wolves at bay.  I tried. I really tried.  And I failed.

Thanks to a plethora of self-help books and motivational quotes, I know that this too shall pass, that tomorrow is another day, that positive thoughts bring positive changes, the best is yet to come, and every other inspirational quote ever written.  I know all of that and more, but at this moment, all I know is that I am hurt and scared, for people I love and for myself.  Maybe, tomorrow will be better, but not tonight.  I cannot help anyone else, much less myself, tonight, and while the sun has yet to set, all I see is a familiar darkness.

That’s another story . . .

 

 

 



Categories: That's Another Story

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16 replies

  1. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to truly feel the sadness, vulnerability, and pain. We need to acknowledge it, surrender to it, and let it envelope us. And then-we need to take, no matter how small, a step into the lightness. I am a quote junkie and I love the one that says something to the effect of “It’s okay to feel defeated-just don’t set up camp and stay there.”
    Hugs to you my internet friend! You are stronger than your pain!! xx

    • Karen, coming from you this means so much, as I admire you greatly! Thank you for reminding me that going through the pain is the only way of getting through it. I am at the point where I feel like I will never stop crying, but if I don’t get it out, I will never resume to living fully and happily. Thanks for understanding and for being a positive and shining light to help guide me back out of the darkness.

  2. It has been a hard week for me too – know you are not alone in your sorrow, if that helps at all. And you are always welcome to stop in for a hug (and a chance to sort some mail…can I tempt you? 🙂 ), and a reminder that you’re loved by a big ole’ room full of your biggest supporters. Your willingness to recognize this suckiness and sadness is in itself strength and courage. Take care, Kristi.

    • Sarah, I am sorry that you are having a tough week, too, and if you need anything at all, I am here. You are truly one of the most genuine and kindest souls I know, and you make this world a much better place. How lucky I am to know you! I look forward to seeing you all and sorting some mail very soon:) Thanks for your support!

  3. Kristi, I’m so sorry for your pain.

  4. Oh my goodness! That is so sweet of you to say.
    In my late 20s, I had a two year span that resembles the year you are having. It seemed I surely couldn’t handle another loss. But, after time-and putting on foot in front of the other-I began to feel whole again. When we start to emerge from deep sadness, when we are able to feel joy again-our capability for happiness will be deeper and more intense than we ever imagined. Hang in there darlin’!

  5. Didn’t want to hit the ‘like’ button as it didn’t seem appropriate, but just wanted to acknowledge your post. Only know you through your lovely blog and I’m sure you have friends and family around you but I want you to know that your post really resonated with me and that I’m thinking about you and hope you have a brighter and better day today x

  6. I’m so sorry friend that you experience such deep sadness! You have such a huge heart and when I think of you all I can see is a huge Krist smile (the ear to ear kind that makes everyone around you feel like they were just graced with a kiss from the sun!). So knowing that you are in pain, I feel sad myself and I cray because I want you to know how very special you are and how you brighten others lives. I wish I could help in some way! Love you friend!

    • Kelly, you are such a wonderful friend to me, and your note and texts today really helped more than you can imagine. I am looking forward to seeing you on Saturday, as that is definitely what my favorite nurse practitioner ordered:) Love you and am grateful for you!!!

  7. Much love to you. You are a beautiful person and I hope this year improves for you and your friends. xxx

  8. Bless you for staying real in all of this awfulness. Sending love.

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