The theme of change that began in 2017 has continued in 2018. Fortunately, unlike the unwelcome and unexpected changes that dotted last year, so far, this year’s changes have been pleasant surprises. Unfortunately, I have been acting like it is 2017 all over again.
I have embraced the recent professional and personal changes, and there have been times when I thought that my heart would burst with joy and gratitude. Everything has been firing on all cylinders lately, and there are more positive things on the horizon. So, what’s the problem? The short answer is me!
With everything going my way, I have been getting in my own way. It is not an intentional or conscious sabotage, but it is self-sabotage nonetheless. Cue my accomplices. Self-doubt. Over thinking. Anxiety. Fear.
When left to my own devices, sometimes, I lose myself in the past. Thankfully, someone special helped me find my way back to the present. He brought it to my attention how often I bring the past into the present. It was not a complete shock, as I had caught myself doing it a number of times, but it took this outside observation to bring me back to the present. And not a moment too soon.
In an effort to protect myself from being hurt, I have been engaging in a familiar convoluted anticipatory grief cycle. I take positive words and gestures and twist them to take on the meaning of past hurtful conversations and behaviors. Instead of enjoying the happy moments, I wait for the other shoe to drop. The situation has changed, but my responses have not. Until now.
I could not wait to get through the difficult changes that occurred last year, so, it is nothing short of insanity to give them a seat at the table now. It is one thing to let the past take its toll on me, but it is another thing altogether to allow it to negatively impact my connection with another person, especially this particular person.
I cannot change the past, but I can change how I react to it. The past serves as a powerful teacher, and I have learned my lessons and learned them well. So, I do not need to repeat them. I can leave the past in the past.
That’s another story . . .
Categories: That's Another Story